Photographic artist using the camera as my tool for healing

Landscape of Healing - Day 2

I have decided not to repair the entire image.  Just half.  I’ve been half of a person for all of my life that I feel it’s fitting.  There’s the breathing again… Is that the music or me?

It’s Mother’s Day.  Too many emotions around this day to unpack all at once. The editing helps.  Keeps me focused so I don’t jump out of my skin.  As a parent I would never allow anyone to inflict damage on my children.  I wonder where the disconnect is that not all parents feel this same way.  I bonded with my father early in life, you can see it in the few images I have of him holding me.  It was the only interaction I had with him.  The bond was enough to leave an imprint on my heart that pains me today.  Bonding is an important aspect of a babies first month.  It’s rare when it doesn’t happen with the mother and I am one of those rarities.  And then later I became her constant reminder of my father and failures.

Some image imperfections are larger than others.  Some scars last longer than others.  I don’t change the brush size when repairing these imperfections, I focus on taking more time with each stroke (process video below).  I am using the healing brush in photoshop. There is no healing brush for reality and even within the image the imperfection is changed but not perfect.  Better but not perfect.  Stronger, maybe.  But not perfect.

I am annoyed by interruptions.  Even the smallest.  There is this burning anxiety in me to get the image repaired; as if repairing the image also repairs me.  I imagine in some ways clicking and healing the damaged spots on the image is helping towards my healing as I work through the emotions.  I am constantly in my own mind while fixing the imperfections; which explains my annoyance with interruptions.

I just made a mistake while using the brush tool.  I only deviated from the healing brush to fix blown out highlights.  Since I can’t use Control+Z I had to correct using the brush AND healing tools. I could not get it repaired the way I wanted.  Another life lesson.  I can smooth over a mistake in life but I can’t ever erase it completely. What’s been done cannot be undone.